i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
