i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
