So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
