He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I can text with my tongue
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
