the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize