Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
