just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
