By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you had me at cake vodka
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
