Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
