Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
