She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
