I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
