meet me or not, i'm out of control
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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