I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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