ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
