last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
