Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
