I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
