o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
do nipples grow back?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
