What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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