I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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