Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
