Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
