My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
