Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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