i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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