Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Randomize
