Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
