I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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