My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
