Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
