If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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