You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
you had me at cake vodka
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
