if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
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