i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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