Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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