i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
