ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
