Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just forgot I was standing up.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize