Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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