I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
