You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
