So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
