There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
