Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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