my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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