o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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