I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
