Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
