this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
