I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
