I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
