Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
