i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
