if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
