You surviving the open bar?
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you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
