..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
