mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
