There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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