Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
