i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
